Why now?
by Caskett1
Summary: They're laying in a heap of tangled limbs in the sheets, sweaty and still panting heavily. She's sprawled over his body, sated and limp and so very happy. Burying her nose in his neck, breathing him in, she suddenly realizes there is still something gnawing at her, something that still doesn't quite make sense. "Castle…can I ask you something?" post-ep for 5x18 "The Wild Rover"


**A/N** I loved last night's episode. It was really great story telling (well, maybe apart from a few weak plot points in the case of the week, but I'm not picky about that ;)). After watching the epi last night I read a review by tvline this morning and, while I do not agree on most points of the article, there was however one question posed that grabbed my attention, since it was one that I asked myself briefly while watching the episode: What triggered Castle's sleep talking, meaning why was this guilt/shame about his former misgivings on his mind at this particular moment in time. It remained unanswered in the show but I strongly suspect that this may be deliberate and one more step in slowly building up to the season finale. However, it kept niggling at me the whole day (go figure…), so here is my try on a possible explanation for that. :)

**Disclaimer:** I'm pretty sure AWM&Co. will come up with a much more brilliant and awesome solution come the season finale. ;)

Thank you **kimmiesjoy** for proofreading! You're awesome! And happy birthday! :)

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They are laying in a heap of tangled limbs in the sheets, sweaty and still panting heavily after a very satisfying round of love making. She's sprawled over his body, sated and limp and so very happy. Burying her nose in his neck, breathing him in and letting the feeling of utter contentment wash over her, she reflects back on their evening.

How he opened up to her, how she finally peeled another layer of the Castle onion (because he is very much one himself), contradicting Meredith's words that had kept niggling at her ever since her stay at the loft. And she suddenly realizes there is still something gnawing at her, something that still doesn't quite make sense.

"Castle…can I ask you something?" Her voice breaks the peaceful silence around them, and she feels him turn his head slightly, trying to look at her.

His fingers keep trailing a gentle path down her spine, drawing slow soothing circles on her back while he nuzzles his face into her, presses a light kiss at her temple.

Sweet and loving.

Content.

"Hmm?"

"Why now?"

"Why now what?" she can hear the slight confusion in his voice.

She slides off of him then and turns on her side, cuddling closer to get a better look at him while he mirrors her, their faces almost touching each other. She lets her fingers trail slowly through his hair, down his temple and jaw, coming up again to tenderly brush over his eyebrows. His eyes flutter shut at the sensation.

"I mean, obviously this whole paper debacle back in boarding school is something that you still feel guilty about and…you've been trying your whole life to prove yourself…to you and to others. I get that…I just…I don't know, we've been together for almost eleven months now...and this never came up before…so I just…I was wondering…I guess there must be something that's worrying you to bring these thoughts back up, right? So, why now?" Looking up into his eyes tentatively, she searches for his reaction, for the truth.

She feels him tense a little bit, his eyes shifting away. He looks unsure and vulnerable, but she is determined to wait him out, to not let him off the hook so easily. She doesn't want to lose the progress they made earlier in the evening, wants to keep moving forward, learn more about this amazing man.

And she is sure there's something bothering him, something he's dwelling on - maybe even without being aware of it so that his subconscious is trying to work through it during the night.

While she's been in therapy she learned a lot about the sometimes weird and mysterious ways the human mind works; learned a lot about herself that way and recognizes the signs now.

So she's determined to coax it out of him, wants to help him open up to her because if she learned one thing about Rick Castle throughout the years, and the last year especially, it's that _he_ has walls, too. They might not be as obvious at first, maybe even hard to spot at a second and third glimpse but she knows him. His defense mechanism is humor and deflection, he even admitted it to her once, however unintentional it may have been. She hadn't realized it at the time but remembered his admission later on, once the pattern became clear to her.

She searches his face now, trying to catch his eyes, and when he's still avoiding her, letting his gaze shift nervously around the room, she brings her hand up to cup his chin, draws his face to her so she's able to look him in the eyes, keep him there. She can clearly see the weariness reflected in them, even in the semi-darkness of his bedroom, only lit by the streetlights shining in.

"Hey, look at me. It's ok. You can tell me…I'm here, Castle. I'm not going anywhere. And if there is anything bothering you, I want to know."

He observes her for a moment and she can see him struggling, trying to work through something, to put words to his thoughts. Finally, she feels his body relaxing against her, hears him let out a sigh, and she feels relief wash over her. Fixing her eyes on his she waits for him to open up to her.

"I don't really know where to begin, actually. I'm not even sure…," he trails of, looking a little lost.

She keeps silent, waiting him out, encouraging him only by taking his hand in hers, cradling it to her chest, pressing light kisses against his fingertips while soothing her thumb over his wrist.

"You know, ever since I met my father, I just keep thinking about my childhood and how it made me into the person I am today."

Her heart gives a sudden jolt, her stomach dropping a little. She somehow suspected the subject of his father might come up again, was actually a little surprised he wasn't more affected by it after he and Alexis returned from Paris.

He seemed to deal with the fact he just met his father rather well, was humbled that the man so obviously kept watch over him, Alexis and Martha throughout the years, grateful and of course a little proud and thrilled that he was a spy. This was Castle they were talking about, after all.

But somehow she knew this would keep niggling at him. He admitted afterwards that he still had so many questions, wanted to know so many things but sadly didn't get the opportunity to ask them, might never ever get it. But since that day he never mentioned anything again, not in a serious and longer conversation anyway.

And now he is seeking out her eyes, looking a little helpless and a lot like a little boy, trying to understand the mysteries of the world. She wants to reassure him but doesn't quite know what to say, and before she gets a chance he's continuing again.

"I wasn't always the guy you see today, you know," he casts his eyes down, his lashes fluttering against his cheek, his voice quiet and unsure. "I was usually the guy everyone picked on, an awkward little kid who lived in a dream world, imagining his father to be an astronaut, a cowboy, superhero or spy trying to save the world."

He laughs a little self-deprecatingly and her heart squeezes painfully in her chest, breaking for the lost little boy back then.

"It wasn't until that paper that I was celebrated for anything and people started looking at me differently. Since then I tried to live up to their expectations, tried to become better at writing, not just for them but also for me, and then someday a man, my _father_ as I now know, handed me this spy novel – _Casino Royal_ – and I discovered I wanted to become a writer just like the one who wrote this book. Since that time I wasn't just conjuring up stories in my head anymore but I actually started to write them down, and it wasn't until Damian Westlake that I realized that I was really good at something. By then I was always trying to meet other people's expectations, Kate, building up a reputation, becoming the guy who always joked around, everybody's friend, the go-to-guy, you know. But in reality…," he trails off, meeting her gaze for the first time he started talking, and the sadness in his eyes breakes her heart.

She tries to cuddle a little closer to him, letting him know without words that she was there for him.

"In reality I was pretty lonely. In too quiet moments I started thinking too much, so I always tried to surround myself with people, and when I wasn't writing I was at some party, getting up to all sorts of mischief," he chuckles, but there is still this underlying sadness to it.

"Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun in my later teen years, but looking back today, and especially after having met my father now, I'm just wondering… Would I have become the guy I am today if he'd been around? I guess this thought brought back all those insecurities I buried deep down all those years ago. I realized that after all this time I was still trying to live up to people's expectations, to my father's expectations – however vague he was in my mind until then -, and to _your_ expectations and the image you have of me, and I…," he trails off again, his voice getting a little shaky and she can feel his hand trembling underneath her own.

At this moment he's so vulnerable and unguarded she's getting choked up, has to physically bite her inside-cheek as not to let the tears she feels burning behind her eyes show. She squeezes his hand in encouragement, and he takes a deep breath, continuing with a shaky voice so full of emotion that it's hard at times to actually understand him.

"I was…I was scared of how you might react to some of my skeletons, some of those not so fine qualities and insecurities that I tried to hide under the happy-go-lucky persona of Richard Castle the author. I was afraid what happens if you don't like what you see, if you don't like Richard Rogers, the sometimes insecure and slightly awkward guy hiding underneath. Against all contradictions I'm still trying to impress you, you know," he laughs a little at that and she snorts, gladly grasping the opportunity to lighten up the mood a bit.

"This relationship, _us_…this is really important to me, Kate, and I guess I worried a lot lately, I don't know…I just…I see this going somewhere – and I'm scared of ruining it, of losing you once you find out I'm a fraud and get to know the real me," he finishes with a trembling voice, his eyes shining suspiciously at her, full of so many emotions – hope, fear, uncertainty, love.

She feels her own eyes welling up, grasps his hand a little tighter and presses it even more securely against her chest.

"Castle, I _do _already know you. And you are _not_ a fraud! I mean obviously there is still a lot for me to learn and I'm sure there will still be a lot of surprises coming my way but I _do know you_ deep down. You are the guy who loves his family fiercely, who would do just about anything for the people he loves; you are a wonderful and dedicated father; you are the guy who dropped $100.000 just for the chance of finding my mother's killer; you are the guy who waited 4 years for me to get my act together; you're passionate, funny, patient and sometimes annoying as hell."

They both chuckle at that but she's not done yet, wants him to really understand.

"You are a good man with a big heart who cares deeply about the people he loves, and there's nothing that can change this image I have of you. _Nothing_, you hear me? I might not always like or agree with what I see or what you do, but in the end I will always support you, always believe in you…I'll always be there for you, Rick. _Always._ This isn't gonna change. _Ever_."

Her eyes bore into his, she wills him to believe her, to see the truth behind her fierce words.

"So it doesn't matter what you tell me about you and how bad it is, I'll always know there must have been a reason for you to act a certain way, because you are a good man with a beautiful heart. Don't ever forget that."

His eyes shine suspiciously at her when she finishes and he pulls her tight into his arms, burying his face in her neck and hair, breathing her in. She feels him swallow hard before breathing a raspy and very shaky 'Thank you' in her ear.

She cradles him in her arms, giving him time to adjust, to let her words sink in, to get his bearings again. They are staying like this for a while, until –

"Does that mean I can be a bad boy now and you won't punish me for it? Or even better…do punish me, I beg you." He's waggling his eyebrows at her, his eyes still shiny with tears and so much love.

She splutters out a surprised and shaky laugh. Trust him to lighten the mood after a very intense and emotional conversation.

This _man_.

This beautiful, kindhearted and adorable man.

God, how she loves him, she really really loves him.

Pinching his side in retaliation to his quip, giving him a bright and dazzling smile, letting him see how happy he makes her, she realizes she hasn't told him yet, not in so many words anyway. Maybe it's time to let him know, to give him this last bit of reassurance he so obviously needs.

Suddenly she feels ashamed that she didn't do it earlier. She was just so happy and busy with diving into this relationship, opening up and showing him more and more of herself, _showing_ him how she feels that she didn't even consciously realize that she never really _said_ the words out loud.

So she cups his cheek tenderly, swiping her thumb over his cheekbone, looking him in the eyes while brushing her lips lightly over his – and tells him.

"I'm so in love with you, Castle. You have no idea how happy you make me every single day."

And then she kisses him.


End file.
